How Chaoji Died
by plasticfries
Summary: It's Chaoji's first mission! But he doesn't know that it's also his last. Recommended for Chaoji-haters only. Beware of Kanda's swearing.


_I know some of you might not bother to read this disclaimer part (I don't), so just skip this & get on with the story :D_

disclaimer: DGM belongs to Kat Shino. Chaoji does too. (I just hope that one day, Kat-sama kills him.)

contains: Chaoji's death, retarded Chaoji moments & Kanda's swearing.

other crap not worth mentioning: Reviews are appreciated, but not _necessary. _It'd be mind-blowing awesomness if you just read. :D

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_Chapter 1ne._

Chaoji was jumping up and down excitedly, squealing his lungs out, irritating the hell out of Allen, Lavi and Kanda.

''I know it's your first mission and all, but couldn't you calm down a bit?'' Allen pleaded.

"But… But… This is the first time I've ever gone out to fight Akuma and retrieve Innocence! Plus, I've never been on a train before! I'm sooooooo excited! Oh… I wish Anita-sama were here!''

Lavi raised an eyebrow, while Kanda che'd. Chaoji was even more irritating than Lavi and Allen combined, going on and on about his precious Anita-sama. Allen decided to try and ignore Chaoji-which is very difficult, mind you- and concentrate on eating the delicious 5-foot high hamburger in front of him.

* * *

''Wow! So this is a train! Oh, it's so nice! The seats are so bouncy! There's even a window! Oh how I wish Anita-sama were here!'' Chaoji shouted excitedly, reaching across Kanda (who was seated beside the window) to look outside the window.

"GET OUT OF MY FACE YOU JERK!'' Kanda roared, and Chaoji was soon face-to-face with the shiny pointed tip of Mugen.

"Aww.. Calm down, Kanda-senpai! General Tiedoll always told us to be patient with one another, and to love each other with all our hearts-'' Chaoji (finally) decided to stop talking when he felt a killing aura slithering out from Kanda.

"Chaoji, why don't you take a walk around? Since this is your first time on a train, I'm sure you'd be interested.'' Allen suggested.

"Such a brilliant idea! You're not that much of an akuma after all, Allen!'' Chaoji said, skipping out of their carriage. ''Let's hope you get lost,'' muttered Lavi under his breath.

For an hour or so, the three remaining exorcists enjoyed the peace and quiet. Or so Kanda thought, for he was fast asleep. Lavi snickered as he tied the remainder of Kanda's hair, and finished his masterpiece off with a ribbon. Just as Allen was about to take a photo, (yes I know, camera's weren't invented at that time) they heard an ear-piercing scream.

''Is it Akuma?'' Lavi asked. But Allen's eye had not reacted. Thank goodness for them, Kanda had not woken up. They decided to go and check out the sound.(obviously.)

It was Chaoji. And he was ''stuck'' in the space between two connecting sliding doors. (you know, the two doors that connect carriages, with the space in between for people to walk.)

"Help me!'' Chaoji begged, his voice muffled behind the door. "I keep pushing and pushing but the door wont open! There's something wrong! I think this place is cursed! OH NO! IT'S THE WORK OF AKUMA! HEEEELP! ANITA-SAMA!''

Lavi tried to suppress a laugh, while Allen tried his best to calm Chaoji down. He was going hysteric, banging his head on the door and pulling his hair. Some of the commuters snickered, while the rest just shot Chaoji glares.

''Uhm, Chaoji? Please calm down! All you have to do is slide the door open, like this.'' Allen slid the door open effortlessly, like a normal person.

''H-How? How did you do that?'' Chaoji gasped, when suddenly ''realization'' struck him. "You're an Akuma! That's why you were able to open the cursed door! YOU'RE THE ENEMY!!!''

Kanda, who was (finally) woken up by the noise, stormed out of the cabin. Seething with rage, he punched Chaoji in the eye, causing him to black out.

Dragging Chaoji back to the cabin (which took them quite a while), Lavi let out a sigh of relief. ''Thanks, Yuu! We thought that his stupidity would never end!''

Kanda sent a death glare to the Usagi. ''Don't call me by my first name, Baka Usagi. And you have some explaining to do.'' Lavi gulped, and Allen inched closer and closer to the door.

"WHY THE FUCK IS MY HAIR LIKE THIS?!?!''

_Chapter 2wo._

When Chaoji woke up, he had forgotten all that had happened a few hours ago. After all, his tiny brain couldn't remember that much. It was just too much work.

The train had just reached its destination. Many people stared at the trio, who was accompanied by a singing and skipping Chaoji.

"If you don't stop that this instance, you'll be feeling Mugen going through your throat.'' Kanda threatened. If looks could kill, a million knives would be piercing through Chaoji's many layers of fat.

"I'm sorry Kanda-senpai! I'm just sooooo excited!" Chaoji said, jumping up and down. Allen almost puked out his lunch from witnessing the jiggling of Chaoji's fats. Lavi took out a handkerchief, just in case.

"Here we are. The Innocence should be in this town." Suddenly, Allen's left eye activated.

"Akuma! About a hundred metres from here!" Running through the busy streets, they ended up in a dark, secluded alley. Upon seeing two Level 3s and a Noah, they screeched to a halt.

"Wait, where's Chaoji?" asked Allen. "That fatass must be lost. Let's hope he never shows up." grumbled Kanda.

"Hi (pant) guys! You guys (pant) sure run fast! Are those (pant) Akuma? And a Noah? THOSE DEVILS! (pant) I'M GOING TO (pant) RIP THEM APART!"

''Chaoji wai-!" Allen shouted.

"I was just going to greet you guys when this fat guy comes charging up. Worst of all, he's too stupid to even activate his Innocence. Well, say goodbye to your comrade, Allen!" grinned Rhode. Aiming her candles at him, she pierced them through his many thick layers of fat.

"AGHAGFFGHFGH! Help me! Allen! Kanda-senpai! Lavi!" Chaoji screamed.

Allen looked away, scratching the back of his head. Lavi looked up, whistling. Kanda just che'd, pretending to be interested in a passing rat.

After killing Chaoji, Rhode plucked off his Innocence.

"Man, this guy's one useless brat. I actually pity you guys." Rhode smirked, slowly crushing his Innocence.

"Well, goodbye Exorcists! I've combed through this whole town, stole a few lollipops, but there's no Innocence! Seeya!" Rhode waved, and flew away on Lero with the two Level Threes.

"Do you think we should believe her?" asked Lavi suspisciously.

"Well… I guess so. Why would she lie about not having the Innocence? And we owe her for killing Chaoji anyway," Allen said.

"I'm just fucking glad that that damn fatass is dead and gone." Kanda muttered, sheathing Mugen.

**(back at the Headquarters)**

"What?! Chaoji died? And his Innocence… destroyed?!" Komui gasped.

"I'm really sorry Komui, we tried to stop them, we really did." lied Lavi, giving a very fake mournful look.

"Well… I don't really care about Chaoji's death, now that I think about it. He was absolutely useless. His Innocence is what I'm sad about. Anyway, I don't think we'll hold a funeral for him, since you left his body in the town." Komui smiled, looking relieved that money wouldn't be wasted on a funeral for Chaoji.

"Finally, nobody to burp in my ear, call me "Senpai", tell lame jokes, and annoy the hell out of me." Kanda said, relief written all over his face.

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**A/N:** Well, my first fanfic. It's a one-shot. Will be coming up with another story soon. Be sure to check it out. :D


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